It's very odd, because when I think about it, the moments in my past that affected me the most were moments that I couldn't change even if I wanted to. They weren't my moments. They were other people's moments.
The moments in my childhood when my mom's illness captured her soul and caused her to do things that were so devastatingly hurtful to Mack and I. The moments when I couldn't protect him from the wrath and malice that her disease created within her and the feelings of inadequacy and failure that those moments created in my soul. The moment when I realized that crying only made her more angry and immediately forgot how to cry.
The moment when I discovered that the dad and the brother who I adore weren't really my dad and my brother after all... at least not my biological dad and brother. Not that this discovery changed our relationship or my feelings for them. It didn't. Not in the slightest. But that moment of discovery is one I'd just as soon not had to experience. I've acted pretty nonchalant about that revelation because I didn't want anyone in my family to know how terribly it hurt me. How could I change that moment? It wasn't mine to change.
So many of the most impactful moments of my life have been moments I could only react to and in which I played no active role. I find this both distressing and revealing. Maybe it's a clue to why I'm such a control freak.
Moments I’d change that are within my power to change... hmmm. Well, I’d lease the house we bought just before Lord of the Rings shooting began instead of leaving it empty, or empty except for my Siberian Husky. I’d avoid the money problems that I created for myself by not doing the sensible thing.
Other than that, I stand by the decisions I’ve made as an adult. Some of them may have been mistakes, but in changing these choices, I’d also be denying myself the chance to learn the lessons that are part of that whole process. My beloved Elijah taught me this. It’s one of the best lessons I’ve ever learned in my life. That.. pleasant or unpleasant... every moment has it’s place in our growth.
Muse: Sean Astin